Emotional

It was 7:30 am on a Monday morning. Irritated. Sometimes it's hard for me to name my emotions but not today. Frustrated. Today I felt irritated and frustrated. I'm sure not everyone had a glorious Monday, but mine started off rough. 

I'm a terrible team player. Either I'm amazing and take charge, leaving everyone else in my wake, Or I'm terrible and I don't even attempt to muster up any effort. I often hope that the team at disposal will ask me to do logistics instead of actively engage in the event. There's not much middle ground with me. I'm the "Martha" in the story. Always gotta be DOING something. 

So today I decided that I was going to let my team at work carry some of the work load. I knew they wouldn't and boy do I hate being right when it comes to things like this. Let's call them S and C. S hates his job. He doesn't know Jesus so he finds his purpose in that which he cares about and money. Since his current job is neither of these things, he tends to be rather miserable. C likes her job. She is passionate about being a good teacher but she feels constricted by the admin involvement in what we are teaching. Neither S nor C are willing to go above and beyond. They don't follow the core value of excellence that I follow and that left me feeling frustrated today. and irritated. The kids are suffering because of it. I wish I could go in and reach them. Both S and C and the kids. They all need Jesus. 

I prayed through my day today. I felt clear and focused. The irritation subsided and I ultimately had a great day. The kids are learning and growing and I think everything is going to be okay. 

Nope

It's not about me

About 2 weeks ago I was feeling pretty disappointed. When my friend Lauren checked up on me, her "advice" was the last thing I wanted to hear. She reminded me that it's not about me. That whether or not I get what I want in life, I have to trust God and keep leading people to Jesus. I resented her advice (cause I knew it was true) and went home to pity party with myself. 

Thankful to have a busy week ahead, I numbed myself with tasks and sought out ways to keep my mind off my struggles. The lies attacked me from all sides and I felt helpless. I'm sure you can relate. The distraction of busyness didn't last. 

I'm blessed with amazing friends here in Philly. Women who stretch me to see beyond my current desires to the big picture. Being a human is hard. Not thinking about yourself is hard. My friends here challenge me and hold me accountable. As great as they are, I was needing some sister time. I decided to go home last Saturday and the time away was just what I needed. Between the honest talks with family and the near silent ride home, Gods presence was so evident to me. He reminded me of just how far I've come and how beautifully He has equipped me for my future. The future He planned out for me. 

I prayed nearly that whole drive back. 280 miles; 4 hours. I cried a lot too. I have so much hope for my future and the peace I felt confirmed with me that it's worth it. Jesus is worth it. 

Fall Harvest

A few weeks ago Pastor Joey challenged us at a prayer service to name what we are believing God for this fall. He reminded us that we reap what we sow and that it's ok to ask God for things. As I thought about what my desires were a common theme erupted: relationships. 

Not relationships in a romantic way necessarily but just in general. I want to grow new relationships. I cross paths with the same people week by week but my tendency is to relay a superficial "How are you" and then revert back to the daydream that was swirling through my thoughts. Very rarely can I remember what a person was wearing or how they had their hair done. My focus is clouded and my desire to care just isn't there. This is not how I want to go about my life.

I desire to be present. To see people where they are at while holding them to the higher standard that growth is desirable and attainable. I desire to be intentional. To present myself to people on purpose. To learn their stories and ask them questions. To care about their hopes and dreams. To support them and inspire them to go after their goals. 

I once heard it said that if your goals don't scare you then you're not aiming high enough. What fun is finishing a short race. Practically anyone can hop, skip, crawl or even roll their way a few feet forward. What's the accomplishment in that? I want to empower people to stretch themselves. 

I'm a teacher. Stretching understanding is my job and I like to think I'm relatively good at it.  But it's by Gods grace that I get to walk into my classroom every morning and teach. I'm so thankful that not only does God notice me but he equips and empowers me to keep going. I believe that He will help me build relationships and maintain them for His glory. 

I can't wait to see what's next. 

Fear Not

Isaiah 41:10 tells us not to fear for God is with us. That's great advice but difficult to actually apply to our everyday lives. 

It's about 5:30am on a Saturday morning and I'm currently on an Amtrak Train to NYC. This morning I couldn't help but feel a sense of fear and uneasiness as I processed the fact that my train is taking the exact same route as the train that derailed last spring. As I rode through that same sharp curve, I prayed for the families that will be waking up this morning one family member short. I prayed that they would find the strength to get out of bed and that their breath would come easy to them. I can't even imagine what it would be like to live through a horror like that. 

I was at the derailment site last spring. I helped hand out towels to first responders and I aided as needed. I saw the faces of the "un-injured" victims as they walked with police to go give their statement. 

I hope that as I celebrate today, I can in some way redeem the journey those people never got to complete and I pray that I will carry the light of Christ into every conversation. I'm beyond excited to spend the day with my brother and I can't wait to love on him!

The waiting game

I don't mind waiting as long as I can see the end is near. Put me in line at the grocery store or an amusement park and I don't like the wait, but I can manage it. However, as soon as the "ride has technical issues" or the "register stalls" I find myself very irritated and unable to recover. 

Expectation and disappointment. Two words that cause me a layer of anxiety. I dream big. Love big. Hope big. Inspire big. I expect that I'm going to be met with a level of respect for my aspirations and when that's shoved under the rug, I just can't. 

My birthday is this Saturday. It's a great excuse to spoil myself and celebrate how much I've grown this year. I've never been a second-year teacher before and this year was no easy ride like I thought it would be. I've laughed. I've cried and I've definitely sworn more times than I can count, but I know that God is still preparing me. James 4 reminds me that God withholds to protect and that He is still growing me into the powerful woman and wife He is equipping me to me. It can be so frustrating to sit with my roommates who are both in relationship and to envy what they have. But I'm not them. That's not my story to write. I would never trade my journey for someone else's and by no means am I going to discredit the path I'm on. It's a hard one, but my scars and muscle prove that God is bigger than my situation. I'll get married someday, and even if I don't, God is still perfect and my life does not lack. 

 Sure, I have my crush and whether or not he gives me the time of day, I know that he is sorting out his life too. In Gods perfect timing, He will allow me to find a helper and take on the kingdom for Jesus. Until then... God it's just me and you. Ride or die. 

Broken Ribs

You may have read the headline of this blog and assumed I'm injured. That assumption would in fact be incorrect, but bear with me... I'll get there.

This weekend I journeyed home to visit my family. I was excited to find out that my sister was actually on spring break this week and didn't have to work yesterday. Although we spent the time pretty low-key, I had a great time. Sadie played shy at first, but then warmed up to me. I'm so thankful that I get to have an incredible life here in Philadelphia, and yet can still travel home to get away from it all. I took a different route this time and I enjoyed it much more than the old route. For anyone who knows the NorthEast, I usually take I-476//I-81//I-86 but it's sooooooo boring. This time I took I-476//I-80//PA-15. There's A LOT more hills which means curves and bends, but the sights are gorgeous. I wouldn't want to take that route in the snow, but it will do for my weather-free travels.

Anyways, while I was on my way home I was listening to the Rend Collective Campfires Album. It's a great album and I highly encourage you to listen to it. There's a line in one of the songs that says "Revive the Earth" and it put such a clear image in my head. I could see the earth, sitting in space and God's hand was pressing on it. Kind of like you would imagine the palm of one's hand pressing on a tennis ball. The earth was significantly smaller than the hand, but it was getting pressed none the less. I began to recall my CPR training for work and how when you want to revive someone who is unconscious, you have to press on their chest... on their heart to revive them. The goal is to keep the heart beating through forceful chest compressions so that the blood keeps flowing and brain damage is minimized.

I began to realize the connection between the mental picture I had and the realities of CPR. If you want the person to survive, you have to press pretty hard and not quit. Apparently, the pressure is so hard from CPR that it's not uncommon to crack or break ribs in the process. If we want God to revive us and our land, we are gonna have to allow Him to do the work and it's quite possibly going to make us very uncomfortable.

What if the very thing that we think is protecting us in our lives is actually the thing that needs to be broken so that God can get to the root of our issues: our heart. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to willingly subject myself to pain, but I don't want to be dead either. I don't think many people would be mad at you for breaking their ribs while you gave them CPR. I mean, if they're alive, I think they can forgive you for what you had to do to get them there. Yet we get mad at God when he points out things in our lives that need to be removed in order to thrive.

God's not trying to hurt us, he's allowing pressure on our lives to get to the root of the problem. I don't like pressure, but I also don't like death. Revive my heart God and show me that the pain in this season is creating space for the heartbeat in my future.

Delayed

Ever have a flight delayed? You were told that you would arrive at your destination at a specific time, but one factor or another caused that time to change. Delays are inconvenient. Delays are annoying. Delays are unexpected. I feel like my life has been delayed. Society told me that I would have arrived at the next chapter by now. That I would be married and taking on the world. But that hasn't happened and nobody will tell me when it will and I'm frustrated.

Do I think God is holding out on me? Yep, sure do. Do I know why? Nope, sure don't. I've gone through different seasons of life and they always end with me looking back and understanding exactly what it was God was trying to do in that particular season. For that, I am truly blessed. Few people have this same perspective. But right now, I'm not sure. It's not in God's nature to just make stuff up because He was bored. He has a plan in everything and my job is to be obedient; not understand.

I can feel the depression trying to creep in. That lie in the pit of my stomach that says I'm not good enough. That even if God did give me what I so deeply desire, I'd ruin it and push it away. The lie that says my flaws are too great to be overcome and my life is as good as it's ever going to get. The lie that says I'm not valuable to the team because I'm not in a relationship. . .

Why are lies so much harder than truth? Perhaps it's because it's easier to believe yourself than someone else. Or it's easier to believe someone else instead of God.

Routine. Routine is comfortable but it's a fog. I have been investing so much time into routine and taking care of everyone else that I've neglected to take care of myself. To be mindful of where I'm at emotionally and now I feel so far down a hole  that climbing out makes me want to just sleep instead. Depression. It's that list of lies you've started believing so subtly that now the compilation of them seems daunting.

But my God is faithful. He will never leave me or forsake me. He has created me in His image and empowered me with His strength and optimism. He loves me and He will see me through this season of my life. While I dedicate time to finding my joy, passion and purpose, He will continue to do a work in me until it is completed. He is the ruler of my thoughts and the King of my future. He affirms me. No one else.

Train Stalker

This post has two layers to it. Like all of my blogs, this one is to help me remember days like yesterday. I don't want to forget my story and how God has impacted it. 

Last night I was headed into center city to attend a prayer night at my church. We were meeting at String Theory to go on a prayer walk to pray for spiritual bondage, Easter, violence in the city and our fasts. As I was waiting for the 60 to pick me up, a guy, about my age, decided to try and talk to me. There was something off about him. He was wearing a hoodie on a warm day and he was lugging an old suitcase behind him. He asked me where I was headed and I said I was going into the city to meet friends. He asked if he could come with me on the bus. I shrugged him off and made a sarcastic remark about it being a free country... Next time I'll just say no. 

He got on the bus behind me and when the bus driver asked him if he needed a transfer, he didn't reply. He didn't reply because he didn't know where he was going. He was following me... He came and sat right next to me on the completely empty bus. Then he got up and moved across from me. Then got up again and sat right back next to me, reaching down and brushing my knee with his hand. I was like "no thank-you, not okay." Gosh I'm too polite. 

While i stood for the remainder of my ride, he stayed put. Thankfully. I ducked out at my stop and power-walked away only to hear his suitcase come rolling up behind me at a fast pace. I pretty near ran, sprinted up the El steps and looked for a cop. Praise Jesus there were 3 of them standing right there. I fell in line with the one on the end and paniced saying "the man with the suitcase is following me and touched my leg on the bus."

The cop said ok and when the creeper came up the steps and saw my new friends the look on his face confirmed my fear. He did follow me. He scrambled to pull out money to pay his fate while the cop asked me if he seemed drunk or high. I wasn't sure but I did know that he didn't have a destination since he was following me. 

Creeper made his way onto the platform and the cop said he would walk across with me and wait with me. I could feel his eyes on me from across the platform. It was so disgusting. The cop and I made small talk while he kept an eye on the creeper. The train came and he got on it, lingering a moment to look down the cabin to see where I was going to sit, but I was still standing on the platform with my cop friend. 

I took the next train down and kept an eye on each platform to make sure he wasn't going to hop on at the next stop. It still raises my blood pressure to think of it. I definitely needed Gods peace and strength to find rest last night. The last thing I expected was a dream like this. 

I was outside with two friends, my friend Evan and his wife whom I've never met. Evan said he needed to use the bathroom but when he came back out he was in a tuxedo. He said they needed to take me somewhere. As we walked, more of my friends joined our parade. I couldn't see their faces, but I know they were friends. We ended up in the woods by my dads house. I know the trail well, but I searched for my phone flashlight to be safe. One of my friends told me to put it away and she felt around for a power cord. When she plugged it in the entire tree canopy around us lit up. It was covered in thousands of Christmas lights. In the dream, I had already come to the conclusion that I was about to get engaged. I turned behind me and watched the crowd part to let him through... Then i woke up. 

It doesn't matter that I woke up. What matters is that I was able to experience something so beautiful and personal on such a traumatic day. I don't know of any symbolism or prophetic nature behind it, but I have been praying and meditating on it all day. God has someone for me and even on the bad days, I'm truly blessed to have Jesus on my side and be on HIS team. 

Leap Day

I don't remember what I did on this day 4 years ago. It would have been a Thursday and I would have been nannying in Center city. That's about all I can recollect without going back through old pictures to connect the dots. 

It's kind of scary isn't it? Not remembering. Somewhere between today and yesterday my brain has sifted through the meticulous moment and decided what was important and what was not. I do remember one specific thing and that's what I ate for lunch: nothing. 

About 2 weeks ago my church began a 40-day fast in observance of Lent. In general, we are doing 4, 10-day fasts. For the first 10 days I gave up social media. For the current 10 days, I've given up going to the gym. For the next 10 day block I'll be doing a Daniel fast (basically vegan) and for the last 10 days I hope to do just liquids. It'll be hard but it'll be worth the breakthrough.

 In addition to these categories, I've been doing a "Jewish" fast similar to that of their Ramadan holiday. I'm fasting all food from sunrise to sunset. That has been so hard. By 3pm I'm starving. When I come home I've been spending some time in silence and restful prayer. Leaning on Jesus instead of my own vices is a huge weakness of mine. In denying myself food without excuse, I've started to be able to tell myself NO. 

I'm excited to see God move over the next 20+ days. I've got a long list of prayer requests that I keep bringing to Him and asking for help and clarity on. Please say a prayer for me if you think of it. 

Clouded

I'm not sure when I lost my way. It kind of creeps up on you and then next thing you know you're lost in a part of town that you're supposed to stay away from. You know, that one path that has had its chance and you try to avoid most days. That's where I'm at today.  

Pride has been a major issue for what seems like forever. Pride and control. I've grown so much in these areas. God has healed me emotionally and with that freedom comes so much blessing. But today I had one of those days where you want to scream and cry while stomping your foot and slamming the door. When the frustration of the school day ended, I closed my classroom door, put on some Bethel worship and literally cried out to God. What I said is personal, so I won't  repeat it here, but I know He heard me. 

Focus. My focus is off. I'm being selfish and I can feel it creeping in. Slow down and trust God. That's the word God spoke to me in August and that's the word I'm holding on to today. I've gotta trust God with my present just like I trust him with my past and my future. I am who He says I am and in that I can find the strength to go back to work tomorrow with Christ's love for these kids in my heart. 

Waves

There are a variety of spiritual gifts that God can bestow upon you as you grow in Him and he equips you to carry out his mission. 

I was about 10 when I received the gift of tongues. I remember being at a summer crusade or retreat or something and the pastor gave an altar call. I'm not sure my 10-year-old self fully comprehended what I was stepping into, but boy am I thankful that I did. Praying in the spirit is something I definitely don't do often enough. It tends to be something I resort to when life is hard and I truly don't know how to pray or what to pray for. There have been times, especially recently, where I've just laid on my floor and sang/cried/prayed in the spirit because there was truly nothing else I knew to do. 

Moments like that are irreplaceable and I'm so honored to be able to hold a relationship like that with my creator. I hope and pray for more spiritual gifts. The gift of knowledge. The gift of discernment. I want to see visions of heaven on earth. 

This past week I read a quote by one of the worship leaders from Bethel church. It read something along the lines of "I can face any wave or storm because my feet are planted in Christ." Today during worship I was meditating on that image and I just pictured a roaring wave pouring down from the wall in front of me and washing over me. Even though it was strong and powerful it was refreshing and purifying. 

Far too often the Holy Spirit is trying to wash over me but I'm too caught up in myself to notice. My hope is that as I start February tomorrow that I can earnestly seek Jesus every day. Because a day without Him is a day not worth having. 

Crying out to God

God has always been so good to me. He is patient and usually gives me a heads up when life is about to change. 

As I sense these changes arising, I can't help but try to take matters into my own hands. I have to be reminded DAILY that God is the one who is in charge and will make things happen in his time. 

I was taught a lesson in control this past weekend. I flew to Atlanta so I could go to Ft Benning to attend my brother's ARMY Ranger graduation. The graduation was great and I'm so thankful to have been able to spend a few days with him. When it came time to fly home, 2016 blizzard Jonas had other plans. As Philly got pounded with 20+ inches of snow and wind gusts over 40mph, I found myself stranded in Atlanta. 

Aaron decided to just drive back to Bragg, but I had to sit and wait. I rebooked my flight 5 times, but in the end I had to wait it out. God came through in such an amazing way. I was able to stay with my friend's family. Although I totally imposed on their birthday party, I met some amazing Christian people and had a great time. 

I'm definitely thankful to be home, but I'm blessed to be reminded by how much God cares about the stresses and details of our lives. And thankfully my car is all dug out!

New year, new potential

A few years ago a friend of mine challenged me to find a name for my year. A word or two to claim for the year. Since then I've had the following titles and outcomes:

2014: the year of trusting God

-quit my job

-moved to Philly

-sold my car

-found a new job

-got a new house/roommate

-planted The Block Church

2015: The year of Going Deeper

-completed two 21-day fasts

-re-read much of the Bible

-studied scripture

-invested time in Christian podcasts

-attended my first missions trip

-read books by Steven Furtick, Bill Johnson, Gary Thomas, Danny Silk, Christine Caine, A.W. Tower and more.

Needless to say, God's word for my life and my future has required faith and work on my part. I'm not sure what a year of bravery has in store for me, but a big part of it is going to mean learning how to trust God without hesitation and love Him beyond that. Here we go 2016. Let's be brave together.