Emotional

It was 7:30 am on a Monday morning. Irritated. Sometimes it's hard for me to name my emotions but not today. Frustrated. Today I felt irritated and frustrated. I'm sure not everyone had a glorious Monday, but mine started off rough. 

I'm a terrible team player. Either I'm amazing and take charge, leaving everyone else in my wake, Or I'm terrible and I don't even attempt to muster up any effort. I often hope that the team at disposal will ask me to do logistics instead of actively engage in the event. There's not much middle ground with me. I'm the "Martha" in the story. Always gotta be DOING something. 

So today I decided that I was going to let my team at work carry some of the work load. I knew they wouldn't and boy do I hate being right when it comes to things like this. Let's call them S and C. S hates his job. He doesn't know Jesus so he finds his purpose in that which he cares about and money. Since his current job is neither of these things, he tends to be rather miserable. C likes her job. She is passionate about being a good teacher but she feels constricted by the admin involvement in what we are teaching. Neither S nor C are willing to go above and beyond. They don't follow the core value of excellence that I follow and that left me feeling frustrated today. and irritated. The kids are suffering because of it. I wish I could go in and reach them. Both S and C and the kids. They all need Jesus. 

I prayed through my day today. I felt clear and focused. The irritation subsided and I ultimately had a great day. The kids are learning and growing and I think everything is going to be okay. 

Nope

It's not about me

About 2 weeks ago I was feeling pretty disappointed. When my friend Lauren checked up on me, her "advice" was the last thing I wanted to hear. She reminded me that it's not about me. That whether or not I get what I want in life, I have to trust God and keep leading people to Jesus. I resented her advice (cause I knew it was true) and went home to pity party with myself. 

Thankful to have a busy week ahead, I numbed myself with tasks and sought out ways to keep my mind off my struggles. The lies attacked me from all sides and I felt helpless. I'm sure you can relate. The distraction of busyness didn't last. 

I'm blessed with amazing friends here in Philly. Women who stretch me to see beyond my current desires to the big picture. Being a human is hard. Not thinking about yourself is hard. My friends here challenge me and hold me accountable. As great as they are, I was needing some sister time. I decided to go home last Saturday and the time away was just what I needed. Between the honest talks with family and the near silent ride home, Gods presence was so evident to me. He reminded me of just how far I've come and how beautifully He has equipped me for my future. The future He planned out for me. 

I prayed nearly that whole drive back. 280 miles; 4 hours. I cried a lot too. I have so much hope for my future and the peace I felt confirmed with me that it's worth it. Jesus is worth it. 

Fall Harvest

A few weeks ago Pastor Joey challenged us at a prayer service to name what we are believing God for this fall. He reminded us that we reap what we sow and that it's ok to ask God for things. As I thought about what my desires were a common theme erupted: relationships. 

Not relationships in a romantic way necessarily but just in general. I want to grow new relationships. I cross paths with the same people week by week but my tendency is to relay a superficial "How are you" and then revert back to the daydream that was swirling through my thoughts. Very rarely can I remember what a person was wearing or how they had their hair done. My focus is clouded and my desire to care just isn't there. This is not how I want to go about my life.

I desire to be present. To see people where they are at while holding them to the higher standard that growth is desirable and attainable. I desire to be intentional. To present myself to people on purpose. To learn their stories and ask them questions. To care about their hopes and dreams. To support them and inspire them to go after their goals. 

I once heard it said that if your goals don't scare you then you're not aiming high enough. What fun is finishing a short race. Practically anyone can hop, skip, crawl or even roll their way a few feet forward. What's the accomplishment in that? I want to empower people to stretch themselves. 

I'm a teacher. Stretching understanding is my job and I like to think I'm relatively good at it.  But it's by Gods grace that I get to walk into my classroom every morning and teach. I'm so thankful that not only does God notice me but he equips and empowers me to keep going. I believe that He will help me build relationships and maintain them for His glory. 

I can't wait to see what's next. 

Fear Not

Isaiah 41:10 tells us not to fear for God is with us. That's great advice but difficult to actually apply to our everyday lives. 

It's about 5:30am on a Saturday morning and I'm currently on an Amtrak Train to NYC. This morning I couldn't help but feel a sense of fear and uneasiness as I processed the fact that my train is taking the exact same route as the train that derailed last spring. As I rode through that same sharp curve, I prayed for the families that will be waking up this morning one family member short. I prayed that they would find the strength to get out of bed and that their breath would come easy to them. I can't even imagine what it would be like to live through a horror like that. 

I was at the derailment site last spring. I helped hand out towels to first responders and I aided as needed. I saw the faces of the "un-injured" victims as they walked with police to go give their statement. 

I hope that as I celebrate today, I can in some way redeem the journey those people never got to complete and I pray that I will carry the light of Christ into every conversation. I'm beyond excited to spend the day with my brother and I can't wait to love on him!

The waiting game

I don't mind waiting as long as I can see the end is near. Put me in line at the grocery store or an amusement park and I don't like the wait, but I can manage it. However, as soon as the "ride has technical issues" or the "register stalls" I find myself very irritated and unable to recover. 

Expectation and disappointment. Two words that cause me a layer of anxiety. I dream big. Love big. Hope big. Inspire big. I expect that I'm going to be met with a level of respect for my aspirations and when that's shoved under the rug, I just can't. 

My birthday is this Saturday. It's a great excuse to spoil myself and celebrate how much I've grown this year. I've never been a second-year teacher before and this year was no easy ride like I thought it would be. I've laughed. I've cried and I've definitely sworn more times than I can count, but I know that God is still preparing me. James 4 reminds me that God withholds to protect and that He is still growing me into the powerful woman and wife He is equipping me to me. It can be so frustrating to sit with my roommates who are both in relationship and to envy what they have. But I'm not them. That's not my story to write. I would never trade my journey for someone else's and by no means am I going to discredit the path I'm on. It's a hard one, but my scars and muscle prove that God is bigger than my situation. I'll get married someday, and even if I don't, God is still perfect and my life does not lack. 

 Sure, I have my crush and whether or not he gives me the time of day, I know that he is sorting out his life too. In Gods perfect timing, He will allow me to find a helper and take on the kingdom for Jesus. Until then... God it's just me and you. Ride or die. 

Broken Ribs

You may have read the headline of this blog and assumed I'm injured. That assumption would in fact be incorrect, but bear with me... I'll get there.

This weekend I journeyed home to visit my family. I was excited to find out that my sister was actually on spring break this week and didn't have to work yesterday. Although we spent the time pretty low-key, I had a great time. Sadie played shy at first, but then warmed up to me. I'm so thankful that I get to have an incredible life here in Philadelphia, and yet can still travel home to get away from it all. I took a different route this time and I enjoyed it much more than the old route. For anyone who knows the NorthEast, I usually take I-476//I-81//I-86 but it's sooooooo boring. This time I took I-476//I-80//PA-15. There's A LOT more hills which means curves and bends, but the sights are gorgeous. I wouldn't want to take that route in the snow, but it will do for my weather-free travels.

Anyways, while I was on my way home I was listening to the Rend Collective Campfires Album. It's a great album and I highly encourage you to listen to it. There's a line in one of the songs that says "Revive the Earth" and it put such a clear image in my head. I could see the earth, sitting in space and God's hand was pressing on it. Kind of like you would imagine the palm of one's hand pressing on a tennis ball. The earth was significantly smaller than the hand, but it was getting pressed none the less. I began to recall my CPR training for work and how when you want to revive someone who is unconscious, you have to press on their chest... on their heart to revive them. The goal is to keep the heart beating through forceful chest compressions so that the blood keeps flowing and brain damage is minimized.

I began to realize the connection between the mental picture I had and the realities of CPR. If you want the person to survive, you have to press pretty hard and not quit. Apparently, the pressure is so hard from CPR that it's not uncommon to crack or break ribs in the process. If we want God to revive us and our land, we are gonna have to allow Him to do the work and it's quite possibly going to make us very uncomfortable.

What if the very thing that we think is protecting us in our lives is actually the thing that needs to be broken so that God can get to the root of our issues: our heart. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to willingly subject myself to pain, but I don't want to be dead either. I don't think many people would be mad at you for breaking their ribs while you gave them CPR. I mean, if they're alive, I think they can forgive you for what you had to do to get them there. Yet we get mad at God when he points out things in our lives that need to be removed in order to thrive.

God's not trying to hurt us, he's allowing pressure on our lives to get to the root of the problem. I don't like pressure, but I also don't like death. Revive my heart God and show me that the pain in this season is creating space for the heartbeat in my future.

Delayed

Ever have a flight delayed? You were told that you would arrive at your destination at a specific time, but one factor or another caused that time to change. Delays are inconvenient. Delays are annoying. Delays are unexpected. I feel like my life has been delayed. Society told me that I would have arrived at the next chapter by now. That I would be married and taking on the world. But that hasn't happened and nobody will tell me when it will and I'm frustrated.

Do I think God is holding out on me? Yep, sure do. Do I know why? Nope, sure don't. I've gone through different seasons of life and they always end with me looking back and understanding exactly what it was God was trying to do in that particular season. For that, I am truly blessed. Few people have this same perspective. But right now, I'm not sure. It's not in God's nature to just make stuff up because He was bored. He has a plan in everything and my job is to be obedient; not understand.

I can feel the depression trying to creep in. That lie in the pit of my stomach that says I'm not good enough. That even if God did give me what I so deeply desire, I'd ruin it and push it away. The lie that says my flaws are too great to be overcome and my life is as good as it's ever going to get. The lie that says I'm not valuable to the team because I'm not in a relationship. . .

Why are lies so much harder than truth? Perhaps it's because it's easier to believe yourself than someone else. Or it's easier to believe someone else instead of God.

Routine. Routine is comfortable but it's a fog. I have been investing so much time into routine and taking care of everyone else that I've neglected to take care of myself. To be mindful of where I'm at emotionally and now I feel so far down a hole  that climbing out makes me want to just sleep instead. Depression. It's that list of lies you've started believing so subtly that now the compilation of them seems daunting.

But my God is faithful. He will never leave me or forsake me. He has created me in His image and empowered me with His strength and optimism. He loves me and He will see me through this season of my life. While I dedicate time to finding my joy, passion and purpose, He will continue to do a work in me until it is completed. He is the ruler of my thoughts and the King of my future. He affirms me. No one else.