Delayed

Ever have a flight delayed? You were told that you would arrive at your destination at a specific time, but one factor or another caused that time to change. Delays are inconvenient. Delays are annoying. Delays are unexpected. I feel like my life has been delayed. Society told me that I would have arrived at the next chapter by now. That I would be married and taking on the world. But that hasn't happened and nobody will tell me when it will and I'm frustrated.

Do I think God is holding out on me? Yep, sure do. Do I know why? Nope, sure don't. I've gone through different seasons of life and they always end with me looking back and understanding exactly what it was God was trying to do in that particular season. For that, I am truly blessed. Few people have this same perspective. But right now, I'm not sure. It's not in God's nature to just make stuff up because He was bored. He has a plan in everything and my job is to be obedient; not understand.

I can feel the depression trying to creep in. That lie in the pit of my stomach that says I'm not good enough. That even if God did give me what I so deeply desire, I'd ruin it and push it away. The lie that says my flaws are too great to be overcome and my life is as good as it's ever going to get. The lie that says I'm not valuable to the team because I'm not in a relationship. . .

Why are lies so much harder than truth? Perhaps it's because it's easier to believe yourself than someone else. Or it's easier to believe someone else instead of God.

Routine. Routine is comfortable but it's a fog. I have been investing so much time into routine and taking care of everyone else that I've neglected to take care of myself. To be mindful of where I'm at emotionally and now I feel so far down a hole  that climbing out makes me want to just sleep instead. Depression. It's that list of lies you've started believing so subtly that now the compilation of them seems daunting.

But my God is faithful. He will never leave me or forsake me. He has created me in His image and empowered me with His strength and optimism. He loves me and He will see me through this season of my life. While I dedicate time to finding my joy, passion and purpose, He will continue to do a work in me until it is completed. He is the ruler of my thoughts and the King of my future. He affirms me. No one else.

Train Stalker

This post has two layers to it. Like all of my blogs, this one is to help me remember days like yesterday. I don't want to forget my story and how God has impacted it. 

Last night I was headed into center city to attend a prayer night at my church. We were meeting at String Theory to go on a prayer walk to pray for spiritual bondage, Easter, violence in the city and our fasts. As I was waiting for the 60 to pick me up, a guy, about my age, decided to try and talk to me. There was something off about him. He was wearing a hoodie on a warm day and he was lugging an old suitcase behind him. He asked me where I was headed and I said I was going into the city to meet friends. He asked if he could come with me on the bus. I shrugged him off and made a sarcastic remark about it being a free country... Next time I'll just say no. 

He got on the bus behind me and when the bus driver asked him if he needed a transfer, he didn't reply. He didn't reply because he didn't know where he was going. He was following me... He came and sat right next to me on the completely empty bus. Then he got up and moved across from me. Then got up again and sat right back next to me, reaching down and brushing my knee with his hand. I was like "no thank-you, not okay." Gosh I'm too polite. 

While i stood for the remainder of my ride, he stayed put. Thankfully. I ducked out at my stop and power-walked away only to hear his suitcase come rolling up behind me at a fast pace. I pretty near ran, sprinted up the El steps and looked for a cop. Praise Jesus there were 3 of them standing right there. I fell in line with the one on the end and paniced saying "the man with the suitcase is following me and touched my leg on the bus."

The cop said ok and when the creeper came up the steps and saw my new friends the look on his face confirmed my fear. He did follow me. He scrambled to pull out money to pay his fate while the cop asked me if he seemed drunk or high. I wasn't sure but I did know that he didn't have a destination since he was following me. 

Creeper made his way onto the platform and the cop said he would walk across with me and wait with me. I could feel his eyes on me from across the platform. It was so disgusting. The cop and I made small talk while he kept an eye on the creeper. The train came and he got on it, lingering a moment to look down the cabin to see where I was going to sit, but I was still standing on the platform with my cop friend. 

I took the next train down and kept an eye on each platform to make sure he wasn't going to hop on at the next stop. It still raises my blood pressure to think of it. I definitely needed Gods peace and strength to find rest last night. The last thing I expected was a dream like this. 

I was outside with two friends, my friend Evan and his wife whom I've never met. Evan said he needed to use the bathroom but when he came back out he was in a tuxedo. He said they needed to take me somewhere. As we walked, more of my friends joined our parade. I couldn't see their faces, but I know they were friends. We ended up in the woods by my dads house. I know the trail well, but I searched for my phone flashlight to be safe. One of my friends told me to put it away and she felt around for a power cord. When she plugged it in the entire tree canopy around us lit up. It was covered in thousands of Christmas lights. In the dream, I had already come to the conclusion that I was about to get engaged. I turned behind me and watched the crowd part to let him through... Then i woke up. 

It doesn't matter that I woke up. What matters is that I was able to experience something so beautiful and personal on such a traumatic day. I don't know of any symbolism or prophetic nature behind it, but I have been praying and meditating on it all day. God has someone for me and even on the bad days, I'm truly blessed to have Jesus on my side and be on HIS team.