Leap Day

I don't remember what I did on this day 4 years ago. It would have been a Thursday and I would have been nannying in Center city. That's about all I can recollect without going back through old pictures to connect the dots. 

It's kind of scary isn't it? Not remembering. Somewhere between today and yesterday my brain has sifted through the meticulous moment and decided what was important and what was not. I do remember one specific thing and that's what I ate for lunch: nothing. 

About 2 weeks ago my church began a 40-day fast in observance of Lent. In general, we are doing 4, 10-day fasts. For the first 10 days I gave up social media. For the current 10 days, I've given up going to the gym. For the next 10 day block I'll be doing a Daniel fast (basically vegan) and for the last 10 days I hope to do just liquids. It'll be hard but it'll be worth the breakthrough.

 In addition to these categories, I've been doing a "Jewish" fast similar to that of their Ramadan holiday. I'm fasting all food from sunrise to sunset. That has been so hard. By 3pm I'm starving. When I come home I've been spending some time in silence and restful prayer. Leaning on Jesus instead of my own vices is a huge weakness of mine. In denying myself food without excuse, I've started to be able to tell myself NO. 

I'm excited to see God move over the next 20+ days. I've got a long list of prayer requests that I keep bringing to Him and asking for help and clarity on. Please say a prayer for me if you think of it. 

Clouded

I'm not sure when I lost my way. It kind of creeps up on you and then next thing you know you're lost in a part of town that you're supposed to stay away from. You know, that one path that has had its chance and you try to avoid most days. That's where I'm at today.  

Pride has been a major issue for what seems like forever. Pride and control. I've grown so much in these areas. God has healed me emotionally and with that freedom comes so much blessing. But today I had one of those days where you want to scream and cry while stomping your foot and slamming the door. When the frustration of the school day ended, I closed my classroom door, put on some Bethel worship and literally cried out to God. What I said is personal, so I won't  repeat it here, but I know He heard me. 

Focus. My focus is off. I'm being selfish and I can feel it creeping in. Slow down and trust God. That's the word God spoke to me in August and that's the word I'm holding on to today. I've gotta trust God with my present just like I trust him with my past and my future. I am who He says I am and in that I can find the strength to go back to work tomorrow with Christ's love for these kids in my heart.